Not every s*ex tip or position is going to set everyone’s loins alight, but there are some general guidelines that we can all agree on. There are certain boundaries and rules that shouldn’t be violated when you’re doing the human sandwich with your dude. Unless you’re intentionally trying to be a David Cameron and sabotage bedroom fun, abide by some simple things that your man doesn’t want you to do between the sheets.
1. Don’t be an askhole. An askhole is someone who asks for advice or opinions but then deliberately ignores all the feedback they get. There’s nothing wrong with asking your man about his preferences, but everything is wrong with completely disregarding what he likes in bed. Don’t do anything that genuinely makes you uncomfortable, of course, but don’t automatically ignore what he tells you because you think you know better. If you can’t take constructive criticism or suggestions, don’t ask for them.
2. Try not to act like a lifeless sack of potatoes. It’s no fun for him when he has to do all the work and you just lie there motionless. Take matters (and other appendages) into your own hands and do your part for the beast with two backs. Participatory partners are hot and much appreciated. On another note, studies have repeatedly shown that potatoes are the uns*exiest vegetable on the planet.
3. Stop being awkward around his man parts. It seems that there are a disturbing amount of females who think that the male genitalia is weird or gross or “OMG, penis! Teehee!” If you’re a straight woman or a gay man, dicks are your friends. Get well-acquainted with them and bask in their glory. BASK.
4. Don’t get stuck in routine. Doing the same thing over and over again in the bedroom will get stale eventually. A predictable routine is about as spicy as mayonnaise and a prudish partner is about as exciting as dead grass. Don’t be afraid to dig into the dirty parts of your mind and throw some suggestions on the table where you might totally do it later.
5. Leave the butthole alone unless you ask first. Diving in there without a discussion beforehand will earn you an unflattering spot on his “butt breaching bitch” list. The butt area is uncomfortable and taboo for a lot of guys in all the wrong ways, but others enjoy being stimulated there. There’s no way of knowing for sure unless he tells you or gives you a clear signal.
6. Hold your tears. Please. Just don’t. Walrus vomit is less of a mood killer than tears.
7. Stop comparing him to your previous partners. Your ex used to do this, and the clown you brought home from the circus that one time did that. So? None of that crap is relevant anymore. Vocalizing your mental spreadsheet of s*exual adventures is only going to cause problems. It might make your partner think that he’s inadequate or that you’re not over your exes. Either way, you’re asking for trouble. Zip it.