Sit back and laugh at the possible satirical explanations for why you’re still single, like me:
1. I’d rather stay in than go out.
When the weather is less than ideal, the most enticing place to spend Friday night is most definitely my bed, not the bar. Unfortunately, the only people to bond with during this time is the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy,” as my binge session continues on Netflix.
2. If I do go out, I’m not remembering the majority of it.
No one wants to date a girl who blacks out every time she goes out, do they? Although, guys, at least we don’t judge you when you end your night the same way!
3. I don’t want to meet your family.
Walking into a room full of strangers whose only goal is to judge me sounds like the perfect afternoon, right? Thanks, but I think I’m going to have to pass on this one.
4. I definitely don’t want you to meet my family.
The only thing scarier than meeting your family is the idea of you meeting mine.
5. I can’t even commit to what I want for lunch.
I don’t even know what ingredients I want in this make-your-own salad. How am I supposed to commit to an actual person? Ugh, life is so hard sometimes…
6. I enjoy having the entire bed to myself far too much to share it.
Why choose a side when I have the entire bed to myself? Look at all of this space I have for the clean laundry I don’t feel like putting away!
7. I love my best friend more than I can foresee myself loving a potential partner.
You already love your best friend and trust her wholeheartedly. She basically fulfills every need you could ever want in a boyfriend. #no homo#
8. I have a low tolerance for bullsh*t.
Relationships are all about understanding, patience and compromise: three things I have absolutely no interest in pursuing.
9. I’d rather hang out with my guy friends.
Guy friends are a huge breath of fresh air from the drama that girl friends can often bring. Who says girls are the whiny ones in relationships? Boyfriends who let the girl wear the pants in the relationship can be even worse.
10. I have trust issues.
Seamless said my food would arrive in 30 minutes; it has now been 46 minutes! How am I expected to trust a person when so many other things in life let me down?!
11. I’m too picky
He’s too short; he has too many feelings. Why does he text me all day? Why didn’t he text me all day? Blah, blah, blah. We need one of those machines where we can input exactly which qualities and traits we’d like in our dream guy, and then he magically pops out and we live happily ever after. Until then, you can find me watching “Law & Order,” entertaining myself with someone else’s problems.
I don’t need my own relationship! I’m too busy trying to keep track of Olivia and Fitz, Derek and Meredith, and Chuck and Blair! It’s exhausting!
12. I want a relationship for all the wrong reasons
It’d be nice not to have to pay for every dinner I eat, on top of my various taxi rides. Also, boyfriends give great birthday gifts!13. Romantic notions make me want to vomit.
I just want someone tall, dark and handsome who will ignore me and treat me like sh*t. Is that so much to ask for?
14. I’d rather cuddle a pint of ice cream than a man.
At least this delicious snack won’t judge me for being myself!
15. I don’t know which I’m worse at: cooking or cleaning.
What’s the point of making my bed in the morning if I’m just going to hop back in it at the end of the day? Who has time to tidy up while running late for work? To top it off, the only thing I’m good at making is a reservation, or placing my order on Seamless. Don’t expect any home-cooking from me.