1. He only seems to flirt with you when you’re already dating someone else. If he’s extra flirty when you’re seeing someone, he’s already kind of a jerk because he knows you’re taken, but if he only flirts with you then, he just likes flirting with people he has no chance of actually being with. Ugh. This type of guy friend is so exhausting that it’s almost not even worth being friends with him.
2. You get the feeling that if you ever asked him if he liked you-liked you, he’d make a joke about Pop Tarts and ride off on his bike. Thereby making any time he coyly flirts with you seem like a mean game.
3. You’ve been friends for years and it’s never felt like the right time to make a move. Which probably means you’re just kind of bored and he’s right there and you haven’t humped anyone in a while. This is probably what it means exactly.
4. You only really like him when your Tinder is bare and you have zero crushes because everyone seems lame. When you don’t have anyone to go out with, he looks like a really good option. Then the second you start dating someone, all you can think is, This guy has such a nice apartment … and my friend Ben hasn’t washed his socks in a year. Gross.
5. You greatly suspect even his mom thinks you can do better. Every time you’ve met her, you swear she’s giving you a look that says, “Don’t date my son. My son is a turd. Truly, he is a turd.”
6. When you go places together and someone asks if you’re dating, he laughs. Like it’s so ridiculous that you, two heterosexual people of opposite genders, would ever in a million years data, hahaha, thereby making you feel like a witch from a lagoon.
7. He only says really sweet things when he’s drunk at 3 a.m. and they’re usually slurred and weird. If it takes him that much booze to say kind of, sort of, almost romantic things to you, it probably mean he’d be romantic with a lamppost if you weren’t there, so don’t get roped into that noise.
8. If he were right for you, you would’ve already been like, “Screeeeewwwww being friends. Get on me,” in a hot minute. But you didn’t, so you shouldn’t. Onward and upward.